A ruthless warlord named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) lays
waste to entire Cimmerian village, wiping it from existence. He seeks the final missing shard of an
ancient mask that will aid him in his quest for immortality. A young boy named Conan (Jason Momoa) emerges
from the ruins of the village as its lone survivor. As the years pass, he grows into a battle
hardened and powerfully muscled barbarian.
Through his travels, he has not forsaken his vendetta against Khalar Zym. When the warlord sets his sights on Tamara
(Rachel Nichols), Conan intercepts the young monastery novitiate in hopes of administering
final justice for the slaughter of his people and the murder of his father (Ron
Perlman).
Conan the Barbarian
bares no relation to the two previous Conan films that starred Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s a supposedly brand new take on the
famous pulp character created by writer Robert E. Howard. Director Marcus Nispel, who helmed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th remakes for
Platinum Dunes, applies his dreary aesthetic to the world of sword and sorcery. The results are a decidedly far cry from the
vision that John Milius had for the character.
They are also infinitely less satisfying.
Conan the Barbarian
is easily the most relentlessly ugly film of the summer. Cimmeria is rendered with ashen hues that
look all the worse beneath the insufficient lighting. Every shot looks like bland flashback. The hand held shots robs the film of any epic
grandeur it might have otherwise had. Even
the costume and set design seem to lack imagination. John Milius’s film adopted an ancient world aesthetic
that seemed to recall a plethora of mythical realms and histories. Nispel prefers to simply cover everything in
sludge and grime, making all of the armor and costumes indistinct.
While the action isn’t completely incompetent, it offers
nothing memorable or eye catching. John
Milius offered well-choreographed swordplay and wonderfully staged set
pieces. Nispel allows geysers of blood
to spew forth anytime a character is so much as grazed by a blade. For all the carnage on display, none of it
has any real impact save for a couple of mean spirited moments that feel
borrowed from a torture porn extravaganza.
Instead of quickening the pulse, the violence has a numbing effect not
too dissimilar from Nispel’s slasher pictures.
As Conan, Jason Momoa offers ample ferocity and
physicality. Unfortunately, he doesn’t
saddle these qualities to an actual performance. While Shwarzenegger was hardly a master
thespian, he brought a sense of self-deprecating humor to the proceedings that
made his rendition of the character appealing.
Arnie’s Conan murdered and pillaged with an understated glee. He was like a kid with huge muscles and a
zest for life. Momoa has the savagery down,
but lacks anything in the way of actual character. There is only an empty bloodlust behind his
eyes. He may as well be Jason Vorhees or
Michael Myers.
In yet another unfavorable comparison to the Milius
iteration of Conan, that version had
wonderfully realized villain in the incessantly creepy Thulsa Doom. James Earl Jones totally committed to the
role, creating a character that was both charming and loathsome. He was (quite literally) a serpent in the Garden
of Eden. Khalar Zym is more in the mold
of Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple
of Doom, only much less scary. His
daughter Marique (Rose McGowen) is actually more interesting, but is reduced
henchmen status.
Conan the Barbarian
operates on the same level as an expensive straight to DVD production, and not
a particularly good one. It lurches forward
from one violent set piece to the next, with no sense of purpose or enthusiasm. It’s only true saving grace is the voice over
narration by Morgan Freeman. It’s hard
to believe that this film had been in development since 2000, and had passed through
such notable hands as the Wachowski Brothers.
Since reboots are all the rage in current Hollywood, I hope this version
of Conan dies a quick death at the box office.
May the franchise be resurrected by someone who has something approaching
an actual vision for this character.
Crom is surely hanging his head in shame right now.
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